the scoop on poop...literally

We arrived home from the Magic Kingdom with some not so magic diarrhea. This was new for everyone because Audrey has always been a one-poop-per-day girl and suffered from constipation. Doing the deed for her required concentration, silence and sweat. She would turn red as a tomato. 

So this explosive diarrhea coming 4-6 times per day after meals and in the middle of the night was a whole new ball game for her and us. Since we started solid foods not too much before this, we were not worried. We were just tired. We never had the baby that had to be changed mid-road trip to the grocery store, had a diaper you needed to burn because it stunk up the whole house or had to change her outfit three times per day because she pooped up the back.

The poop went on and went on and was annoying everyone. Not to mention it gave Audrey quite the nasty rash on her behind. Finally time to break out all that baby shower butt paste I received by the case. After one week, I caved and called the doctor and of course they wanted to see her.

We get to the doctor and wait more than an hour. During that hour, she pounded a bottle and less than a minute after finishing- she cleared the room with one of the most colorful piles of poop I have ever seen. Smart me thought: Hmm the doctor might want to see this. But, I went to the bathroom and dumped the diaper in the garbage. 

After the appointment the doctor concluded he wanted to do stool samples because he had no clue. Go figure. Being that we were all going out of town for the long holiday weekend the next day, I wanted to get these samples done. We checked out of the doctors office and they sent me downstairs to the lab. But before heading downstairs, I did it -- I went and grabbed that stinky diaper from the bathroom. 

Don't freak out people! It was a bathroom that was rarely used and I could tell nothing had touched the diaper since my drop. So I stole the diaper back, got some looks when I came out and rushed downstairs leaving a trail of stink behind me. 

If you have never done stool samples, you are not missing anything. The nurse gave me three tubes to fill up and a scoop. The scoop looked like a spork but Barbie size. They told me I could use the half-hour old diaper if I had enough poop. 

I had already been in the doctors office for two hours, Audrey was getting cranky and so was I. Moreover, here I am in the bathroom with a crying baby sitting on the changing table and me with her nasty diaper unfolded. The instructions are sprawled out on the bathroom floor, Audrey is grabbing the tubes and putting them in her mouth and I am standing with the pooper scooper ready to dive in. 

The first tube was easy. I took a few scoops and they slid right into the open tube. Now for the second tube- I was going to have to do some scraping. It was sticking to the diaper, then to the scooper and then to my finger. But I got it close enough to the desired line and called it good. 

I was sweating by the third tube fill up. I had to get all the poop! I was stretching the diaper open and scraping it out from the sides. Scraping and scraping, poop was flinging all over me. I had it on my clothes, my face and in my finger nails. Audrey remained yelling and I don't blame her.

I finally said, "good enough!" I grabbed the tubes and baby and headed out the door. The bathroom I was using was in the urgency care section so I had quite the attention and stares when I stepped out of the bathroom.

I approached the first nurse I saw and said "can you take my poop?" With a crying baby, she took the poop and said "I'll be right back." I got us all ready to go and the nurse came back. She handed me ANOTHER POOP TEST! She said, "Well since it was a baby and diarrhea, this spot test will work better." 

Fabulous. I went home three hours later with poop still all over me and a new stick and smear sheet. The weekend she spent at grandmas and every conversation was about her poop: "What color?" "How many poops?" "Was it watery?" All conversations with my friends- revolved around poop: "Did your daughter do that?" "How often does your kid poop?" "What butt paste do you use?" I am obsessed with her poop.

I love being a mom. 

PS: The tests all came back negative and the poop has calmed down. 


NikkiDarlin' said...

OMG I have never laughed so hard. I'm sorry about your poopy problems. I haven't yet had the pleasure of the poop test, but I'm sure I will. I never realized how much mommies and poop really go together.

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