we've got a bleeder!

It finally happened. Audrey got her first serious boo boo and I am at fault. Tears from both Audrey and I have been flowing all day and giving my husband gray hair. 

I have always been impressed with how well Audrey behaved when I clipped her nails. Today, just as I was thinking that, I pinched her little clippers down and the nail tore off a bit of skin. I looked down and saw a small amount of blood, immediately put her finger in my mouth and tried hard not to overreact. I pulled the finger out and it was fine. She looked at me like, "Don't do that again, Mom." 

She was over getting her nails clipped but I had just one last nail. I set forth the clippers to a huge outgrown thumb nail and clipped. Wails began and I started trembling thinking, "No way. I cut another one."

I saw the blood and grabbed a towel. While putting pressure on it, I rocked her around the room, trying hard to comfort her but at the same time, still not trying to overreact. I hadn't really seen the damage since the amount of blood outdid her tiny thumb. Honestly, I didn't want to see the damage so I kept the towel on it. 

What was probably only a minute and seemed like an hour of stomach-wrenching sobs, I looked down at the towel wrapped around her hand and saw a lot of blood. Too much I thought for a little skin clipping. Now the panic started to boil. I rushed into the living room with her and put her on the couch. The minute I sat her on the couch, I had no idea she could cry louder and she did. To the diaper bag I went, throwing things and looking for a baby Band-Aid. I then ran to the bathroom hitting it like a storm. I grabbed a Band-Aid and ran back to Audrey. 

She had lost the towel and now blood was all over her face, shirt, hair and seat. She continued to wail. Tears now started flowing out of me as I wrapped it with a towel again and then quickly put on the Band-Aid. I picked her up and started to rock her when I noticed the Band-Aid I had just put on was turning red. In seconds, blood was leaking through. 

Now as we both balled, I went back to the bathroom with her and searched for more Band-Aids. I covered her thumb with another and we went back to the couch. That Band-Aid was now filling up. My sweatshirt had blood all over it. I reached for the phone and dialed my husband. 

He could only hear the sobbing, "I...hu hu hu...cut...hu hu hu...her...hu hu hu....thumb...hu hu hu...blood...hu hu hu." He told me to calm down and he would be right home. Thankfully, he was not hours away in the woods. Right when I started to feel better about Dad coming to the rescue, Audrey stuck her thumb in her mouth. I immediately grabbed her hand only for her to have sucked the Band-Aid right off. I was screaming just knowing she was now going to choke on the Band-Aid. However, I reached into her mouth and got it just in the nick of time. 

Audrey started to calm down but I was a wreck. Chris arrived and Audrey looked relieved to see him. He took her out of my hands and into the bathroom where he removed the towel and revealed the chunk of thumb now missing. "Well no wonder there was so much blood, you cut off the top of her thumb," he said. I was now crying harder and wanting to throw myself off a building (or something tall since there are not too many tall buildings here in Roseburg). 

He took care of Audrey and she got better by the minute. I got worse. He tried to calm me down and Audrey could see how upset I was. She reached for me and gave me some love. It is amazing how fast a six-month-old can forgive.

Chris headed back to work with his girls in a little better of spirits. After awhile, the thumb was dried up and everyone was feeling better. We then went to run an errand. Upon arrival, I went to get her out of the backseat and checked on her thumb. It was better. 

I then pulled her softly out of the car seat. By the time she reached my lap, I saw blood on her white coat. I rolled up the sleeve and a huge drip of blood swam from her thumb to my leg. I wrapped a baby wipe around it and that soon was soaking up. Throwing used wipe after used wipe up in the air of the car, I then went for the changing pad. I wrapped that around it and then noticed some lady near by staring at me, probably thinking she should call the cops. I started to cry again.

Audrey wasn't crying or jerking her thumb away, so I got a good hold on it with the cloth. After about five minutes, it had stopped bleeding. I picked her up and we headed inside the store. I looked down and noticed blood all over my fingers and the blood on her white coat showing. For sure everyone was going to think I was some abuser or something. 

I washed my hand and rolled her coat the other way to hide the blood. Of course, some woman approached us commenting on how cute Audrey was. I watched in slow motion as she moved her tickling fingers toward Audrey's bummed hand that was burrowing inside the coat sleeve. I jerked Audrey away and then the woman noticed blood. Trying not to cry, I quickly told her that "we had a bit of a thumb accident." I turned around and bolted back to the car. 

When we got home, Audrey went to sleep and I Tide Bleached all the blood stained clothes. I then just sat in the dark and thought about what a horrible day...what a horrible mother... I wondered if she would remember and hated that I would remember. I wondered what other even worse stuff would happen in her growing life, and how I would have to go through that or be the cause of it. I thought about my mom and all the trips to urgency care she did. I then wondered how many of those trips I will do. I thought about how Audrey would never have that little piece of thumb back and how I took it away. I then thought about how crazy this motherhood stuff is and that with every good part, there are bad parts too. Now off to bed with a stomach ache and tired eyes. Tomorrow I will be picking up mass amounts of baby Band-Aids.


NikkiDarlin' said...

Oh Gosh sweetheart I'm so sorry. I wanted to cry reading this. But I'm sure your not the only mommy who has done this one. You're not a bad mommy. It's not like you took a knife at her. Things happen like I once let our daughter fall off our kitchen counter. I thought she would set still for a second, but I was wrong.
It'll be a funny story to tell her when she's older.

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